Artist Point snowshoe

Sabine, Anna, Nathan, Kristen, Mark.  Me.   Saturday, March 26, 2011.

Mt. Baker recreation area.   Artist Point lends a panoramic view of Mt. Shuksan and Mt. Baker.   Shuksan is the mountain featured in the second and last pictures.  Baker in the third picture.  Moderately cloudy day granted partial views of the mountains.   Was clear until near the end of our descent to the parking lot - started snowing and very quickly the clouds lowered and turned gray.   Beautiful, fun trip with great company.  


Baker is one of the potential 'training' peaks for Rainier - the Artist Point trip re-ignited my excitement for the Rainier climb.  I love being in the mountains.  I feel soul-connected when I stand on top of a peak I labored to, and peer at the expanse below me - reminds me of how small I am.    And how fast this life will pass.

Today I had the thought "there isn't infinite time for me to prepare for Rainier."  Every training session, every workout, every mundane daily activity I do despite inner protests, are significant.  Reminds me of a lot of the spiritual wisdom I hear so often in yoga classes and reading self-helpy kind of books - "be in the now" "be present" "this moment is all we have."  One of my spin instructors, Aina, regularly tells us "this is it" and "suck it up."  The "suck it up" part makes me laugh sometimes because it initially seems so different from the gentler approach I hear most often from the instructors at The Samarya Center.  They say "do what works for your body" and "rest if you need to."  Aina says "if you are breathing, you are fine" "give me more" and "you came here to work."  Though the delivery sounds different, is the message?  Both presentations inspire me to dig into facets of my being - "suck it up" ignites my perseverance, while "listen to your body as it is today" invites attentiveness.  Depending on the day, I may fancy being pushed, or may rebel against the blunt and cold feeling delivery of "suck it up."  "But what if I'm tired?  Or injured?  I don't want to 'suck it up', you 'suck it up.' "  There are the days that "do what works for you" feels incredibly boring and patronizing.  Inevitably, I walk into the studio some days with a mind full of sadness and "listen to your body" is the nurturing touch in my day that starts the tears flowing.
                                                                                 Tonight I found the loving, genuine, caring vibe Molly naturally exudes to be exactly what I needed to push through mental dullness to the raw emotion held captive on the other side - waiting for me to acknowledge and caress.  Talk sweetly to.  Encourage forward.                                                                     I don't know what its going to be like to be on Mt. Rainier for three days.  I anticipate it will be difficult, and there will be times, maybe multiple times, I will curse my decision to join the climb.  What will carry me through will be the messages I repeat in my mind - I imagine I will hear a little of "suck it up" and a little of "do what you can", and a lot of gratitude "isn't this  amazing, where I am right now?"

raw update

I'm still in it to win it.  Today is day 15.  The word 'roughage' has context in my life now.  I spent Monday morning/early afternoon in Portland visiting with friends in town from Chicago.   Diana and Stephen. We ate lunch at 'Prasad', located in the same building as the 'Yoga Pearl' studio on Davis St. - I had an exquisite raw entree, the 'Fiesty Tostada' - most flavorful meal I have had in the past two weeks.  De-lish-ka, as my stepmother Suzie likes to say.

I wondered during my drive to Portland early Monday morning, how my raw goal would fit into my visit - being proactive and suggesting the restaurant made it uncomplicated.

Generally, I'd say most days and times of the day, I feel adequately nourished and sated.   After the Mailbox Peak hike on Saturday, I felt depleted.  It took me a couple of days to feel my energy levels back to usual.  In hindsight, I didn't eat enough during the hike, nor drink enough liquids, and I probably pushed myself too hard.  I carried too much weight in my pack for my current body's limits.

I am starting to get a little bored of my now-routine eats - last week I ate at Chaco Canyon twice - helped me deviate from my usual green smoothie/energy balls/ trail mix meals, though was too costly to be a sustainable solution for the duration of my raw pursuit.

I am considering looking up raw recipes online to experiment with 'raw cooking.'

Last night, while at Costco, I fantasized about steamed vegetables - brussels sprouts, broccoli, yams.

I am finding very little, if any, emotional comfort in raw foods - its just not there.   Food is food - nourishing, sensual, energizing, life-supporting sustenance. My co-worker Laurel put it well during a conversation we had last week about raw diets, when she commented that it makes sense to eat raw because the energy goes directly from the sun, into the plant, into people.  Makes sense to me, too.  Makes me wonder about the propaganda from the dairy/meat industries/government-subsidized entities.  There is so much information online about diets and nutrition; I still don't know what to believe.  Seems like everyone has an opinion, and everyone thinks they are right.  And maybe they are - because thats what they believe.  I've been thinking a lot about what I believe; well, sifting through others' ideas,  contemplating, experimenting, exploring.  These past two weeks have given me an opportunity for my personal exploration of my body and nutrition.  I am certainly challenging my own beliefs and fears around what I put into my body, I do believe that.

Mailbox Peak

Training hike to the summit of Mailbox Peak today with Kirsten, Leigh, and Tad.  There is a sign at the trailhead that reads "Warning, this is a strenuous hike.  It is 2.5 miles one way, and you gain 4,000ft of elevation."

Travis

I didn't want to do my stairs jog/workout tonight.  Though I felt upbeat after my bike ride home from work, I didn't want to exercise again.  I questioned in my mind "why am I choosing to do this?" 'This' being committed to a training regime to climb a mountain in July; 'this' working as a case manager for a non-profit, 'this' being committed to a plant-based whole foods diet, 'this' being financially and spiritually committed to complete a yoga teacher training over the summer, 'this' choosing to love people in my life when I feel pain - 'this' doing what is hard; really irritatingly excruciatingly fucking hard.

So I jogged to the stairs anyways.   I see a familiar yellow shirt and blue shorts; its a guy I've seen the past two Wednesday evenings.  Last week we ran half my set together; made introductory talk, and fresh off my Sanskrit workshop I educated him on what the word 'yoga' translates to in English.  I left feeling that "I've met a nice new person" connection buzz.  I thought about that gentleman tonight as I rode my bike home from work - "I wonder if he will be there?  I'd like to see him again."

Yep, he was there.  We greeted each other warmly as he went up and I went down.  After three sets   apart, he jogged down my last flight of stairs "I'd like to synch up and talk some more, Andrea."   He remembered the correct pronunciation of my name.  My initial thought was "I kind of just want to get this over with, check out, not be here.  And talking to someone would kind of make that hard."  Then I remembered that I like him, and enjoyed our mutual training last week.  And, selfishly thought "thank god, that will make the time go by faster."  I consented.  

The next 50 minutes divided into roughly two sections - the first 25 minutes were painful - my legs rebelled against the activity, my lungs forced me to pause our conversation from the bottom of the last flight of stairs until I reached the top.  At one point early on, I told him quickly "I'm going to have to finish these before I can answer your question."  It was very challenging for me to get through the set and talk; my heart rate was up, way up, and mentally I was reaching exhaustion.  I love meeting and talking to people I don't know yet - and, it takes some mental agility, intention, and focus; how much depends on how I'm reacting to the other person.  Fortunately, he made it very easy to converse, I think I did more of the talking.  Hence my borderline panic near the top of the set when I was trying to talk and get enough oxygen into my lungs to propel my body upward.  

25 minutes into it, my legs loosened and something wonderful happened.  I relaxed, dove fully into the conversation and forgot about the pain.  The jogging felt smooth, effortless at (brief) times.  I felt so grateful that this person wanted to run with me, and I felt exhilarated at the end of the workout.  I would guarantee with nearly absolute certainty that had I not partnered up, the workout would have sucked.  And, I wouldn't have gone as long.  I would have quit earlier because I would have told myself I couldn't do it.  A comment he made when reflecting back something to me that I said during the course of our conversation tonight stuck with me "oh, so then you decided to start to do things that are hard?"  The shared experience with a person whom I have no contact information for, no last name, no underlying motivation for relating to, enhanced my evening.  Really made a difference in my life today.  

As I walked home, my pre-workout question resurfaced "why am I choosing to do this?"  I don't really know yet.  I like that question.

6 days and 4 pennies

I found four, face-up pennies today - three were on separate sequential steps in a stairwell and the other lying on the sidewalk on the Yesler bridge over I-5.

I can't help but think that perhaps my raw diet (the picture above is dinner) contributed to the clear and observant state of mind I was in that led to me noticing pennies on the ground, twice.  I picked them up and put them in my pocket.  I valued those pennies. I'm six days in and committed.  The green goodness in my glass consists of -

four leaves of lacinato kale
 half a granny smith apple
 half a ripe bosc pear
 a cup-ish of green cabbage.

If I hadn't been so hungry and impatient when I made the smoothie, I also would have added a chunk of fresh ginger.

It tastes refreshing, subtly sweet, and surprisingly not a hint of the bitterness I would expect from anything containing leafy greens.

I felt a dull ache in my head over much of the weekend; my energy was sluggish until Sunday evening, I physically felt little hunger and had a large emotional appetite.  It took me a couple of days of paying attention to why I wanted to eat when I did, to discover when my body needed nourishment and when my mind was trying to sneak one in on me.  Overall, its been easier than I anticipated to eat raw.  Its becoming an adventure in trying something new and letting go of what I think about how I'm supposed to eat and what is healthy for me.  Fixed ideas get in my way of where I'm trying to get to, and that place is actually right where I am.  Often, I just don't know thats where I really want to be.

Being comfortable being present is hard; without some kind of food additive, stimulant, or depressive (or other kind of stimulant or depressive), my mind has nothing to deaden this human experience - the one in which a myriad of emotions flush my system constantly - if I could ride out the initial rush, I know calmness will return, cleaner and clearer.   If it was that easy, I probably wouldn't be thinking about or talking about it.

 On Saturday I made homemade almond milk - was delicious.  1/4 cup almonds soaked for 6-7 hours, 2 cups water, a dash of maple syrup (or not).  Last night I made homemade 'energy balls' with ground pumpkin, flax, and salba seeds, with almonds and dates.  I'm having fun experimenting with foods that are new to me.  Making mental notes of what trials from this experiment I want to repeat when its over.   I've noticed a shift in my perception of and appreciation for the energetic qualities of raw, unprocessed foods.

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 3 Summits fun from the weekend - on Saturday I went on a training hike in the rain to Rattlesnake Ledge  with a fellow climber, Leigh, and a friend she went to Nepal with last year - they helped build one of the schools that previous 3 Summits climbs funded.  Listening to Leigh and Alicia talk about Nepal inspired  me to visit; trekking in the Himalayas is certainly a dream and to have a personalized motivation to go makes a trip seem like it could happen one day.   My activities were adequately fueled by the raw foods I ate over the weekend - one notch on the climbing-Rainier-is-possible-on-an-exclusive-raw-food-diet post.

Lent and 40 days of raw food

 I was feeling a bit mentally frazzled earlier this week-  I decided to 'give up' cooked food for Lent as the solution to my mental muddiness and grasping for tranquility -  now I have 36 more days of eating raw food. It might be notable to say that I have never 'given up' anything for Lent, or really celebrated the practice any other years of my life - why I decided to dive into the religious practice is a funny mystery to me.  And, a testament to how swiftly my mind will cling to an idea outside of myself - hey whatever works, works if it works.
During lunch today, as I watched a co-worker eat her tofu sandwich, spring rolls, and danish, I speared my salad unappreciatively and thought "this sucks.  I don't want to do this.  WHAT was I THINKING?"  Then a colleague commented genuinely to me "that salad looks exciting."  I looked blankly at her and gave a quarter-hearted "yeah..."  Then a couple others chimed in "no, it does look really good."  True, very true.  It was a delicious salad.  And, I didn't want to be eating it in that moment.  I wanted something warm that would fill my stomach and quell my emotions. I had a conversation with the lunch group about my raw intention, which sealed the deal - I outed myself, bumped up my chances of following through.

My impulse decision to 'go raw' was largely and primarily inspired by Tim VanOrden.  I stumbled upon his  website/project ( http://runningraw.com/ )  This guy is a professional athlete who eats a 100% raw diet, and started five years ago.  Coupled with the 'Thrive Fitness' book I read by vegan triathlete Brendan Brazier, Tim V.'s testimony opened a possibility in  my mind that I could eat a raw, vegan diet AND train for Mt. Rainier.  We'll see how forty days goes - earlier today I felt irritable, grouchy, flighty in the mind, and had an unproductively short attention span.  After eating a sensually gratifying raw meal at the 'Thrive' restaurant in Ravenna off 65th Street for dinner, my spirits are reignited for raw.  Updates on my prognosis to follow.

The decision to go raw for forty days reminds me of a part in the classical yogic text -
the "Bhagavad Gita"
"(3:8) Perform those actions which your duty dictates, for action is better than inaction.  Without action, indeed, even the act of maintaining life in the body would not be possible."

The analysis in the book I have, written by Swami Kriyananda, offers that this passage indicates we as humans ought to do what it is our 'karma' - what we as an individual are slated to do in this world, and to tackle whatever challenge is directly in front of us and feasible to accomplish, rather than try to solve our most deepest, difficult problem - each step in the way is a step forward towards the ultimate goal, whatever that may be for each person.

I've swung on the continuum with food and diets - from a picky/no vegetables-or-I'll-throw-a-fit child to fast foodie carnivorous teen, to low-calorie sugar/fat free anorexic vegetarian older teen/young twenty, to part-time vegan, part-time bulimic junk-foodie early twenties, to moderately balanced vegetarian adult who has a new Vita-Mix blender and is a serious green smoothie convert.  I wonder every so often what and how a 'normal' person eats, and often use that wondering to throw assaults at the way I choose to eat - and that isn't helpful - there are raw foodists out there, and fast foodists, and in the end, its all ok.  We're all going to choose what we want, and it really is up to us to make that choice.  Sometimes committing to a choice is the most difficult part.  Particularly when it feels really hard.

gear

A couple of nights ago one of the co-directors of '3 Summits', Eddie, and one of the rope leaders for my team, Brett, held a 'gear clinic' at Brett's house for those of us wanting to see what supplies/technical equipment/clothing we will need for the summit attempt.   Brett and Eddie displayed their fully equipped packs, and let each of us try them on to feel the weight.   Our packs will weigh roughly forty-five pounds when stocked with equipment, food, and water.  Forty-five pounds feels manageable when hefting the pack on my back for 30 seconds in the middle of a living room - slogging forty-five pounds 5,000 feet up a snow-covered mountain wearing heavy boots is a rather different experience.  If my Wonderland Trail escapade from last summer is any indication of my pack's comfort, I am re-evaluating getting a different one.  I came home from four long days of hiking with 40-50 pounds on my back with raw, bruised, bloody hipbones and a deflated morale.

What I learned: I have a fair amount of the gear already (tent, sleeping bag, stove, some clothing, crampons)
and
I have some shopping to do.

 Notably, I need to purchase
-helmet
-ice axe
-boots
-harness

Eddie emailed the 3 Summits climbers today to alert us of a sale Outdoor Research started today, that will extend through Sunday.  I dipped out of a co-workers farewell fiesta for an hour this evening after work to check the sale out.  Was worth my time - I found three clothing items I was lacking (base shirt, hiking pants, and liner gloves), and got them all for under $90.    During the gear clinic, Eddie made the comment that when it comes to gear and clothing, there are three main differentiations - comfort, weight, and cost.  Usually, a piece of gear or clothing will fit into two of the sectors-  If something is comfortable and light, it is probably very expensive.  If something is cheap and comfortable, its likely heavy, etc.

I asked Eddie what our itinerary will be on the mountain - roughly it will break down like this:

-drive to Mt. Rainier on Friday morning, eat a hefty late breakfast/early lunch.  Hike up with fully stocked packs to base camp.  Set up camp, sleep.
-Saturday - spend the day melting snow for water, going for a day hike.  Early to bed.
-Sunday 1-2 AM - wake up, fill packs with basic food, water, and emergency survival provisions.  Attempt to summit.  Probably get to the summit 5-6 hours later.    Return to base camp, pack camp, hike down to cars.

priorities, rest, sacrifice

I can't keep up with myself.  Sometimes my weekends rush by, and come Monday I am not prepared to hit it hard for another week.  Through having a set training/workout schedule, I am s l o w l y coming to realize why professional athletes talk about 'recovery' and 'rest'.  Why training schedules I read online have 'rest' days built in - when I started training for a marathon last fall, I scoffed at 'needing' two rest days.  I secretly commended myself on being able to run an extra day than the schedule recommended - then my knee started aching and I didn't make it to 26.2.  My body signaled me at 18 miles to stop; reluctantly I did.   I cried when I made the decision to concede my training schedule.  There was instant empty space in my life, and I felt a sense of grief and loss that my goal was not realized. I felt inspired that I cared enough about something to feel pain when it ended.
 I rested for two weeks before attempting to run again.  After one week I felt my right knee tweak and ache during my runs and I stopped again.  Being physically active is a huge part of my life and brings me deep joy - forcing my body to run didn't seem worth the potential cost of losing mobility and having to stop exercising vigorously entirely.  I started taking spin classes at a gym near my work in downtown Seattle, bought a pair of snowshoes, invited friends to join me in the mountains, and walked a bit more in town. I discovered that I am not a superhuman, I can't do it all, and I really shouldn't try.   I still enjoy running - now, I run 1-2x/per week max, no more than 3 miles.  I'd like to be able to run a bit harder in the future; for now I am focusing on stair workouts, hiking steep hills, cycling, and yoga-ing.
This past weekend, I did not rest. I tried to do pretty much every one of my interests in one weekend - I took a 13 hour Sanskrit Alphabet workshop at Samarya Center, did a jogging stair workout, biked 25 miles, hung out with friends, made homemade energy balls, went grocery shopping, cleaned.  I didn't think I was trying to fit too much in - until I crashed physically, mentally, emotionally on Sunday night and didn't want to get up for work on Monday.  Typically I enjoy going to work, particularly on Mondays.   I like seeing my co-workers after a couple days off, and catching up on the weekend's events.

What might it possibly look like if I prioritize my training for the climb over other conflicting interests?  I have a few ideas.  It might mean setting aside one weekend half or full day to rest and stay home.  Could be saying no to invites, or spending less time at the yoga studio.  Declaring 'unplugged' times, where I stay out of the computer and other media outlets to give my brain a break from electronic stimulation.  Reading, playing the guitar.   Give my body and mind a chance to recharge, contemplate, relax.  RELAX.  relax.
R e l a x .....  

I'm not sure if it sounds loony, but I'd actually like to devote about 25% more time to training - add an extra workout or two into  my week.  Currently, per week its been 3-4 vigorous yoga classes, an additional 2-3 moderate yoga classes, 2-3 spin classes, one long bike ride, one 8ish mile hike, one stair workout/ run, plus bike commuting and walking in the city.  I'd like to add an additional run and stair workout in; ideally I would be doing two workouts per day 3-4 days a week, two days of 'endurance training' (3-5 hours workouts - that would be the hike or long distance bike ride), one complete rest day, and another day of 'easy workout'.  Doing two, 40-60 minute workouts a day has been effective - gives me a lot of energy and I've noticed cardiovascular fitness gains.  I don't lift weights - I tried it a few times and hated it.  My muscles felt very constricted and tight.  My toning typically happens in yoga class - I've seen resistance bands advertised online and am considering purchasing one.  I think it might come in handy when I am overseas and don't have access to mountains and spin classes.

hiking to 'Mueller Hut' near Mt. Cook, New Zealand

I like this sign  - Dunedin, South Island, New Zealand April 2010

a top 'Ben Lohman's Peak' - Queenstown, South Island, New Zealand - quite possibly the most intense hike I have been on!

All in all, training is what gives me the most satisfaction and peace.  Makes sense that I'd prioritize it over other activities.  That I can do it with my friends is likely in part what makes it so.  The exercise that I do does not seem like 'training' - I love it, and for the most part I'm doing it with other people.  A few workouts I do solo, and I enjoy the solitude.   I tell myself that there will be time after the Rainier climb to pursue other interests - right now, I want to live this experience as fully as possible; to do that, I think I'll make  a few sacrifices and rest in peace knowing I'm doing what I really want to do.

nutrition and questions

Eating mindfully is a consistent and daily reflection of mine.   Susan Albers, PhD, wrote a book called "Eating Mindfully" in 2003.  Since discovering her work in January,  I've been referencing Dr. Albers' book in my personal exploration of mindful eating.  Now that I am exercising vigorously multiple times per day, and/or for extended chunks of time in a day, I'm aware that my body needs clean-burning efficient fuel.  Having to think about eating enough and feeling my body fueled is relatively new for me.  I'm learning what certain sensations relay "eat more" "no, stop!" or "right there, thats where you want to be."  Where I am now, I usually know when I've eaten enough because I ate too much or not enough.  Feeling satiated, and mentally accepting that sensation, is difficult.  More so than I tell myself it should be.  When I'm not stuffed, my mind shouts "but you haven't eaten enough!  You won't have enough energy."  Is it really the wise part of my mind that tells me to overeat, or the impulsive emotional and often fearful part that usually dominates the conversation?  Other times, my mind tells me not to eat what my body needs because the food I selected is a "bad" food.  I take it upon myself to declare what foods are immoral, and therefore indicate my level of good-ness as a human being.   I can see clearly that allowing myself the taste pleasure of sugary chocolate baked foods does not make me less virtuous or caring of a person, though my conditioned human mind tells me otherwise.   Whatever.  Sometimes that is the most eloquent response I have to myself - ok, whatever.  I'm going to ignore that comment because it was ridiculous.  And then move on.  The more time I spend debating, my chances for losing the debate increase.

Anyways.  So, where I'm at right now is a lot of thinking about what kinds of foods to eat and how much.  Today, I thought I ate enough.  And it was a day "off" - no 'workout'.  Then two hours before I was going to be home for dinner, I felt tired and very hungry.  Fairly quickly after eating my pre-dinner supper.   Trial and error I suppose.  I give myself maximal opportunity for enjoyment and success during the climb if I fuel my body consciously and adequately.

When I was running/jogging a lot late last year, more than once I ended up binge-eating after a couple days of not eating enough.  I used to think the overeating was emotionally-driven, but now, after the past couple months of exercising hard and consciously paying attention to what I eat and how I eat it, I think my physical needs were (largely) triggering me to overeat.  I don't like the physical sensation of being too full, nor does my body assimilate the nutrients as well.  The flipside of eating smaller portions is that I eat every 1-3 hours.  I eat all the time.  If I allow too much time to pass, I end up cranky and hungry and exhausted.   As a former emotional and binge eater,  I never thought I'd think "do I have to eat again, already?"  Funny how life comes full circle sometimes.  Many times.

I don't have an answer; lots of questions and pondering.  I think a lot about the types of food I eat - I want to fuel my training and climbing on a vegan diet.  My diet is mostly vegan now, and I feel best when I eat lots of plant-based whole foods.  I used to obsess about eating strictly vegan; that became a drag and seriously weighed me down mentally.  So, now I eat flexibly but the trend is mostly vegan.  I recently read "Thrive Fitness" by Brendan Brazier, a professional Ironman Triathlete who eats a strict vegan diet.  His choices affirmed to me that it is humanly possible to eat a vegan diet and get the body what it needs.  From the biochemistry and nutrition I've studied in and out of school, I know that I can do it physiologically.  Mentally convincing myself is another level to the pursuit.    There are so many conflicting ideas about nutrition and athleticism (well, really nutrition in general) in the larger nutrition/dietetic world.  Its hard for me to know what to believe, what to let go of, how to trust my own experience.  I want to be educated about what I eat, yet sometimes that education leads me away from intuiting my body and towards gratifying my insatiable mind.

Eh, its a work in progress.  All I can really ever ask for from myself.   One thing I've really been into lately is making my own 'energy balls'.  Nuts, dates, dried fruits and spices = deliciously satisfying healthy goodness.  I love 'em.    Oh, and hemp protein/banana/maca/kale/spinach/date/almond milk/coconut butter smoothies.  Delish.

'training'

Ah.  Today was my first 'official' training session with fellow 3 Summit climbers - some of us walked, some jogged, the set of stairs off Howe and 10th Ave.  Crisp air, the sun slowly sinking into the Olympics, and  the city skyline sparking against the deep blue and yellow sky created one brilliant evening for training.  Using the word 'training' doesn't wholly capture the experience I have when I perform an activity now, with a more ultimate goal in mind.  Likely because tonight I was not thinking about our July summit attempt.  I received an email invite to do a stairs workout tonight, and thought 'uh, yeah!  Sounds like fun.'

It is difficult for me to strike a balance between the many interests I gravitate towards.  I want to do the stairs workout as powerful as my muscles are capable of, and go to spin class tomorrow at 6 AM, and go to  my somewhat regular Thursday evening yoga class, and on and on... often I do get to fit in all of the things I want to do.  My body adapts as does  my mental capacity for balancing and pausing when things feel overwhelming.  For instance, last night in my vigorous yoga class, during a sequence that required much balancing on one leg for an extended period of time, one which I whole-heartedly and confidently labeled as 'brutal',  I cried softly and quietly to myself.  My body prompted my heart to whimper "I'm so tired.  I don't want to do this right now."  My mind responded quickly in the instant before I put my knee down, first with a generic "just do it, you're almost done", then " its ok - you don't have to.  You can make it, here, put your knee down, you know that will give you the rest you  need."  My tears stopped and I noted 'this is what I am really practicing.'    Ahhh.